Step 5: How do you feel being a woman?

The space was different. We were sitting in a random formation inside a room, in a house in the middle of nowhere. There is something about sitting in a circle that makes sense; can we rise to the same vibration sitting randomly like this? And without a shaman? I felt a wave of worry.

We drank the juice. What’s my intention?

Damn I drank four times so far and I still haven’t found my intention. Shall I make one up?

I took a breath.

Ok, so far I was shown a glimpse of the infinite beauty of Cosmos, the temporary mess of my Inside, I was presented to the source of all my struggles that is my Brain, and I was rewarded for my hard work with a moment of Silence.

I took another breath. Everything became clear for a moment.

I shall not invent an intention. I shall only surrender to what will come.

I felt relaxed.

She slowly started crawling inside me, my veins turned into growing vines, powerful visions swirling around my being, my body moving like a serpent,

What have you learnt so far? she asked.

I learnt that the Cosmos is my home, infinitely loving, divine and all perfect, calling me to let go and allow It to merge with my Inside. I learnt that my Inside is shouting, temporarily messy, human and all imperfect, begging me to heal and connect It with my Brain. I learnt that my Brain is aching, constantly working, overcharged and loud, deprived of feelings and desperate for Silence. I learnt that Silence is bliss.

Very well, she said. Stay silent and I will lead you to the next step.

I stayed silent.

The visions became brighter and brighter, sounds got louder and louder, the random formation of the group was no longer an issue, the place was irrelevant, my God, everything here is irrelevant, what is relevant?

“What is relevant?”

“Stay silent”

I submerged into a totally unexpected place. Everything became gendered.

My mattress, my bucket, my clothes, me, a woman, under question, I’m I a woman? What is it to be a Woman?

Wow, wow, why are we going there?

Yes I’m a woman, what’s wrong with that? I shouted inside.

“I’m fine with my femininity, why are we going there?”

“Stay silent”

“Your femininity is the only relevant place for you to visit tonight.”

Shit. I’m not prepared for this. “What’s wrong with my femininity?”

“Stay silent. Remember what you’ve learnt.”

I stayed silent.

And then it happened. An infinitely fast and painfully thorough examination of my femininity.

My every move, my every word, my every sound, my every look, my every choice, since the moment of my existence, was put under a cosmic microscope, through the eye that sees it all, I couldn’t hide nor pretend any more.

“How do you feel being a woman?”

“I feel good”.

I instantly felt sick.

I purged.

“Shit, I’m I pretending?”

I purged again.

“Shit. I’m pretending.”

I purged again.

“I’m pretending!”

“How do you feel being a Woman?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know how I feel being a Woman.”

I purged again.

And again.

I purged all my moves, words, sounds, looks, choices, since the moment of my existence, all my fake acts of femininity, all of them shaped to please others, but truly dipped in shame, all I really felt was shame,

“How do you feel being a Woman?”

I purged again.

“I feel SHAME!”

I burst into tears.

The healer came to me. She touched my belly and asked ‘Where is it?’ ‘Where is your pain?’

Her touch felt good.

I feel good. This feels good, I whispered.

“Good.”

Allow yourself to feel good, the healer said.

My body kept moving like a serpent.

“Allow your serpent energy to come out”.

I struggled. My body was resisting. Feeling good was fighting with shame.

Can I feel good? I’m I allowed to feel good?

I struggled even more. Isn’t slutty to feel good?

“No!!” Mother slapped me in the face.

“You are Here to feel good.”

I purged violently on my mattress, there was no bucket, no space, no people, there was no shame, everything broke apart.

“You are Here to FEEL GOOD.”

I purged on myself.

YOU ARE HERE TO FEEL GOOD TO BE A WOMAN, she screamed.

I purged again.

Fuck me. I don’t feel good to be a woman. I am not a Woman, I’m pretending to be one. I’m pretending so I can fit in this fucked up constructed concept of what it is to be a woman in this fucked up world, I’m not a Woman, I’m a fraud.

“I’m a fraud!”

I purged again, this time I found my bucket.

I lied back.

Fuck. I closed my eyes.

I took a breath.

Everything was clear for a moment and forever.

I took another breath.

Go to the Mother, the woman next to me whispered.

“Go to the Mother.”

I let go. Covered in my vomit, I surrendered.

There she was. The divine feminine, powerfully erotic, infinitely free, dancing like a serpent.

“Go to the Mother.”

I reached to feel her touch.

She put me in her arms.

I felt safe.

You are a Woman, she whispered.

I purged again for the last time.

I felt free. There was no shame anymore.

“I am a Woman.”

“How does it feel?”

“I am a Woman.”

“How does it feel?”

“I am a Woman.”

“How does it feel?”

It feels like the perfect way to Be.