Step 4: Here is your Reward

Step 4: Here is your Reward

 

I was exhausted to take the fourth step. Only a day after taking the third one, entirely drained and barely coming to terms with the horrendous revelation of my sick condition, I expected the worst.

She asked me the night before ‘are you ready to start working?’  Yes, I was there to work.

‘Let’s work’ I said.

She remained silent.

‘Mother, you showed me how sick my brain is, how I’ve trained my thoughts to become so destructively loud and my feelings so unnaturally silent. Thank you. Now please, teach me how to feel again’.

She remained silent. I took a breath.

My brain attempted to jump into its usual rambling, I took another breath.

My brain is sick. My brain is my friend. My brain needs love to heal. I took another breath. Brain, I love you. I’m sorry. You are strong, I’m strong, let’s work together.

My brain slowed down. Pauses, breaths, finally, a sense of control. I felt a wave of excitement.

Brain, I love you.

The Cosmos started swirling around me. My inside started swirling under my skin. They both seemed to talk to one another, negotiating peace, I’m I close to finding peace?

I purged the walls I built between them all these years. I purged again and again. And again.

Brain, I love you.

A new feeling emerged. One that has no name. A blend of remorse and release, like dying while being born, and being born while dying, what a balanced way to Be, I was crying and laughing all at the same time.

I’m I healing?

She remained silent.

My hands started vibrating. I felt wind blowing through my chest. I sat up and took a big breath.

Wow. My brain is silent. I waited a few minutes. Nothing. No words. I felt a wave of bliss. All there was, was sensations.

‘My God, is this how it’s like to just Be?’

‘Yes. You have done well my baby’ she said.

‘Here is your reward’

And then it happened.

Everything went silent. No sound was entering my being. How can this be, I opened my eyes, the shaman was singing, people were purging, but I could hear no sound, how can this be? I closed my eyes.

‘Here is your reward. Here is the silence you’ve been craving for’ she said and went silent.

I expanded into an infinitely quiet space. My god, what a bliss, how can this be. My arms started dancing a silent song, tuning with the vibrations of the universe, my body became wind, my cells were breathing, silently cheering, all there was, was quiet air,

and I could finally just Be.

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