Step 3: Here is your Brain
I was nervous to take the third step. The second one had been tough. That first glimpse inside, revealed the mess I’ve been living with, what could possibly be next?
‘Here is your brain’ Ayahuasca said.
‘Here is the talking monster you have been listening to’.
And she went silent.
And then, all talking hell broke loose. My brain started rambling, words, words, words, non stop emotionless thoughts, such an annoying voice and so loud.
Please keep quiet. ‘No! Haha. You can’t stop me!’
My body kept twitching, suffering from my brain’s sick persistence.
What are you talking about brain? Relax. Why can’t you keep quiet for a minute? Please stop.
Brain wouldn’t listen. Unnecessary, annoying, random and useless words, commenting, judging, interfering with the process, for hours and hours, please shut up!!
I felt desperate. I begged for silence, where is the silence?, I kept shouting inside.
Where is the silence?
My brain started feeling like a separate entity, with its own brain, producing the same talking loop over and over, observing, describing, analyzing, judging, observing, describing, analyzing, judging, observing, describing, analyzing, judging, every single bit of information that was coming in, over and over, PLEASE STOP!!! I cried.
I closed my eyes and ears, trying to block any kind of information from entering my brain so it would stop talking.
In a sickening move, my brain started observing, describing, analyzing, judging, the blocking of information itself. Bastard!
‘My God. I give up. I can’t find silence. I have no control over my brain’.
She slapped me in the face.
‘You do. Focus. Listen to me. Are you ready to start working?’ she said.
‘Yes’, I cried.
‘Ok. Now listen. You my precious are built to exist through two processes. Feelings and Thoughts. Feelings are vibrations, they flow naturally inside your being since the moment you existed. Thoughts are filtered and constrained words, barriers you have constructed along your life path, they don’t serve you unless they are friends with your Feelings. In this life you must balance these two processes, to listen to and control them both. You’ve been off track existing only through your thoughts. You have shut down your Feelings long time ago. They lie silent, suppressed and locked inside you for years. You know what to do now.’
And she went silent.
But my brain kept talking. ‘This is bullshit don’t listen to her, I’m your friend. I’m your brain, I can do what I want. You don’t need feelings, feelings are for hippies’ Bastard!
I prayed for silence. For hours and hours, with every breath I prayed for silence.
My brain slowed down. Started whispering instead. I felt a slight relief.
‘My God. My whole life I’ve been observing, describing, analyzing, judging, my whole life I forgot to FEEL.’
‘I’m tired. I want to FEEL.’
She remained silent.
I purged words, words, words, I purged useless words, and sank into exhaustion.
‘I’m tired. I want to feel’.
My brain slowed down more. It finally made a pause. And I felt something.
I felt impossible to just Be. What a torturous feeling.